Day of rainbows

The more life goes on the more it doesnt make sense.I am in a dream, well, nightmare would be a more apt description...Having someone sick, or losing someone, then realizing it and missing them is like getting your heart broken everyday.To think of where I am most vulnerable and a God who comes and "tests" me, seems harsh. I hate feeling that way.Nobody seems to care or understand, they still laugh, spend time with friends and live their lives, I feel hate and resentment all too easily, but He knows and lets me live the pain I need to grow.I ask why far too much, why do I have to be sick, why cant I be happy with what I have, a lesson that is ringing true to before I lost my mom, before my baby girl had her ear infections, before a good friend lost someone so dear, what the hell is going on.Life is going on, and on, but eternity is around the corner at any given time, I wish it was me, any parent does I think.I feel in a trance, like on hold and it comes to me in stillness, when I am driving, and in this instance, when I was on the ferry on October 31, 2008.I started to cry, I do that, at any given time when I can be alone with my thoughts, which isnt often;)Then I prayed, I ranted and rallied and tried to make deals, funny how we do that.I think I was on the front of the ferry for a reason, I was losing my mind and nobody could tell or care, push them away so we dont hurt, then hurt all over when perceived rejection pours in.Looking up out of red puffy eyes I saw it, the biggest rainbow I have seen in my whole life, I mean it was huge and hovering over the water, a complete one with ends, middle and sides so clear.Disbelieving (I must stop that) I looked on and thought its getting closer to the ferry.Crazy, I watched in awe as we drove right through it, straight down the middle.It was the first of seven or eight rainbows I saw on my way home that day.Science might explain it, but I think deeper things were happening, for me anyway.