Day of rainbows

The more life goes on the more it doesnt make sense.I am in a dream, well, nightmare would be a more apt description...Having someone sick, or losing someone, then realizing it and missing them is like getting your heart broken everyday.To think of where I am most vulnerable and a God who comes and "tests" me, seems harsh. I hate feeling that way.Nobody seems to care or understand, they still laugh, spend time with friends and live their lives, I feel hate and resentment all too easily, but He knows and lets me live the pain I need to grow.I ask why far too much, why do I have to be sick, why cant I be happy with what I have, a lesson that is ringing true to before I lost my mom, before my baby girl had her ear infections, before a good friend lost someone so dear, what the hell is going on.Life is going on, and on, but eternity is around the corner at any given time, I wish it was me, any parent does I think.I feel in a trance, like on hold and it comes to me in stillness, when I am driving, and in this instance, when I was on the ferry on October 31, 2008.I started to cry, I do that, at any given time when I can be alone with my thoughts, which isnt often;)Then I prayed, I ranted and rallied and tried to make deals, funny how we do that.I think I was on the front of the ferry for a reason, I was losing my mind and nobody could tell or care, push them away so we dont hurt, then hurt all over when perceived rejection pours in.Looking up out of red puffy eyes I saw it, the biggest rainbow I have seen in my whole life, I mean it was huge and hovering over the water, a complete one with ends, middle and sides so clear.Disbelieving (I must stop that) I looked on and thought its getting closer to the ferry.Crazy, I watched in awe as we drove right through it, straight down the middle.It was the first of seven or eight rainbows I saw on my way home that day.Science might explain it, but I think deeper things were happening, for me anyway.

welcome to the first one...a few jumbled things about me until i figure out how to do this..

1. My husband totally takes care of all techy things, I am a moron when it comes to that stuff, I accidently phone people on my cell all the time, mostly the pastors wife in Port, one call was six minutes long while I "lamented" some peoples driving habits, she still looks at me funny, phoned her today actually;) I also phoned MCFD while singing along to the archies "sugar sugar" at the top of my lungs thank God it was during office hours so it wasnt recorded inciting an investigation. My texting is worse, thanks to autocomplete I messaged my husband, "pickled upstairs bretheren idiot" what i meant to say is pick up bread, I meant to say idiot;) At least I wasnt him when he sent some suggestive messages to me and discovered he had sent them to his sister in Ottawa LOL.2. I tend to go on and on but you probably figured that out..3. I am extremely shy, I hate crowds, social anxiety has kept me locked down sometimes, I know, weird eh? It was worse when I was a kid and then I started drinking and when that was no longer an option I had trouble and still have trouble adjusting.4. I have never felt comforatable in my community, I have felt accepted or loved by very few people, most likely something to do with how I feel about myself, duhhh.5. I was very hurt that I was asked to stop writing the column but Josh made that dissipate somewhat when he said his friends missed my writing, didn't think they noticed.6. I live for my children, thats it, if it werent for them I would've given up long ago, I have always struggled with depression.7. In the last municipal election I accidently voted for someone clicking the wrong name then asked "if I make a mistake can I do it over" they said yah but I was too lazy and guess how much that person won by..an example of things meant to be because it worked out for the best.8. My teens (well a few borrowed ones) and I go to Port each week and the last time we went we all sang "yellow submarine" together, I will treasure those memories forever, sorry Meghan for trying to trick you but my kids made me do it.9. I miss my mom and dad all the time, and each time a person I know commits suicide part of me dies and another part is envious.10. I want to write a book about my life because secretly I think I am a pretty good writer, shhh dont tell, well maybe fiction since my life is really not that exciting.11. I like to make people laugh.12. My most memorable birthdays..once I was getting stitches at the hospital and the other I was in court for breaking a window in a police cruiser, my brother (he was the body man) had to fix it. 13. Sometimes my hubby is the light of my life but lets face it some days I sit and work on how to make it look like an accident, or my alibi, I'm sure its the same for him;) jk..I knew we had a realist approach to marriage when I called him (I was mad at him) by his name and one of my kids remarked "ha not used to you calling each other by your name" and when I asked him to explain he said "well its usually jerk or honey"14. All my children (ha sounds funny hay?) get sarcasm, always have and I''m not sure why?15. I think a lot of people are stuck up but lately I have said hi and they've answered so not too sure what that means.16. I secretly wish everyone would get a speeding ticket that passes me, which is a lot of people but I got one instead so I stopped wishing that.17. I want to take more courses for social work and counselling, I'm still not really sure what I want to do when I grow up but I think I would like to work with young people.18. I will most likely try to run for trustee again, I was actually not all that embarrassed at getting so few votes, I was like there are that many people who think I could do it?? Of course I would have to wait until nobody else wanted to do it...so I might be too old by then..19. I want to go off island for Christmas next year, in Quensel there will be many cousins for my children to see and spend time with.20. Our sauna crew has always talked of taking a trip to Mexico so this is one of my bucket list wishes.21. I procrastinate, case and point I meant to do this a while ago but its simply a deversion from getting my laundry done.22. Some have said I have a good sense of humor, I do laugh at myself often, although doing it alone while in any waiting room or elevator while others look on is not something I would recommend.23. I have lived on Haida Gwaii since 1967 with a few short breaks, once to divorce a husband and once to find one;) met Mike at an AA meeting..thought he was an idiot lol. 24.a) I am very proud that my children have gone to school at Chief Mathews and over the moon at their invitation to the all native, and desperatly wish I could go and watch.b) I am not one to conform but am pariniod enough to go along whilst silently judging the process and its participants..25. I am a full blooded carrier women and do appreciate living here on Haida Gwaii and am very grateful for my adoption a few years back into a Haida Family.